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Hearts

February 9, 2011

KT Tunstall says in her song “Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree:”

My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I’m going to let it do all the talking.

I have been feeling lately that my brain and my heart (or gut, or whatever you want to call the feeling-part instead of the thinking-part) are not working together very well. I think my brain is trying to tell my heart to stop telling my brain the wrong things. Sound confusing? It is.

Who I want to be and who I feel like I am do not match. My time slips away and I have not spent it on the things I want, but I can’t seem to figure out where the time goes or get a hold on it. Time and purpose are like slippery, shiny bubbles. I see them floating all around. I chase them, but as soon as I try to grab on – pop! – they disappear out of reach forever.

I have begun to try to dig in to myself, gently, to try and figure out where all this dissonance is coming from and how to stop it. I want my inner me and my outer me to be in sync again, and for myself and my shadow to be back in step. Remember how Peter Pan’s shadow gets away from him? Well, I need to find mine, sew it back on, and get back into one piece. Then perhaps I’ll feel better.

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