Shameless No. 9: something messy or dirty we hide
Recently, one of the originators of this amazing project issued a call to return for those of us who have lapsed (and after a quick view at the wall on the challenge, it would seem most of us have). So I saw it as my call to get back into posting. It is not that I simply forgot or got lazy. I was actively avoiding a topic I didn’t want to discuss. What’s that you say? I could just skip it? No, I couldn’t. I am not a stickler for other people’s rules, but I am a downright drill sergeant when it comes to my own. This habit often does not even serve me so well. Yet, I can’t seem to break free from the tyranny of what I think I should do. So despite knowing that there is no “right” way to be doing this project, I have committed to doing them each, one by one, in order. Thus, I could not – literally could not make myself – skip the one I really didn’t want to do.
Number 9: expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide. Hello!? The whole reason we hide the dirty things is because we don’t want them exposed to the light of day! I’ve thought about this a lot. I don’t think I’m a particularly messy or dirty person, and in general I’m not ashamed of my normal bodily functions or needs so that wouldn’t really qualify. Isn’t it funny what pushes our awkward buttons? I could talk about sex all day long. I can easily tell people things I do both well and not so well. I can admit that I have an effed up relationship with my mother, and that I eat too much, talk too loud, and curse way too often. But the messy, dirty things I do when I’m alone. Oh. God. What if people judge me? Look at me funny? Think I’m gross? Isn’t that the whole point of this project? To shamelessly claim the things that might make others judge us and say “I don’t care. I am Me and I am Cool with that. Yep, I am.”
So. Still, I have fear and trepidation to reveal to you the things I consider dirty. So, with a tight chest and averted eyes, I will admit: I like to pick my nose. I immediately feel the need to qualify it by saying I don’t do anything really gross like eat it, or wipe it on other people or anything. I usually go get a tissue. But still. I like it. It provides the kind of feeling I imagine people get when chasing down something elusive: “ha! I got it! you can’t get away from me, you tricky fellow!” Also, I really like farting. I am very unlikely to do it when others are around (unlike my father who will fart anyplace, anytime) but when I am by myself it is like “yes! now I can just let ‘er rip!” I know that lots of people do that with no shame, but I’ve always been private about it. But it always is followed by such a wonderful sense of “ah. that’s better.” Immediate rewards. I like immediacy.
There. I put it out there. Judge me if you will; I can take it.